“One thing in life you can’t hide - is when you’re crippled inside”
~ John Lennon

​

​

I too used to think that being available to my emotions made me become less useful, less valuable, less cool, so my solution was to ignore them.

​

Back in my corporate days, time was an ultra-rare commodity and I believed that I didn’t deserve the space and tenderness to get in touch with my emotions. I struggled a lot to be in tune with my true feeling underneath the bright shining career and social life.

​

Any sensation or sentiment that was uncomfortable or foreign, I’d brush it away immediately and easily.

​

So easily that I was numb for a long time.

​

Except one night, out of the blue, when everything hit me.  I still remember that night vividly, after a regular day, all  of a sudden, the turbulence, the swirl of energy, the anger, the confusion and resentment, inside my tired body, was craving and demanding for my attention, intensely. It was excruciating.

​

I did not know how to direct or work with my emotions. I was so afraid that I’d do something compulsive and regrettable.

​

I wasn’t sure what to do and wondered whom I could call for help. But everyone I hung out with back then seemed out of touch with their own emotions too, not to mention that I did not want to become burden or scare anyone off.

​

I had no idea how to face myself in those moments so I was stuck on my sofa for the entire night. Gradually, as the sky turned bright in the east, my intense dreadfulness calmed down and I no longer panicked. I wished that I could just cry and let it all out, but I didn’t even know how to allow my tears out either!

​

Years of programming of “be strong”, “in control”, “be tough” meant I lost my ability to simply cry even when it felt good…

​

My instinct dragged me to the kitchen. I picked up an onion – chop, chop, chop – as the layer went off, tears also flew out with buried feelings busting out:

​

Years of uphill struggle in this foreign country, grief and sadness over a few close friends leaving the UK suddenly, guilt of not visiting my parents enough as their only child, anger and helplessness of being treated harshly as a coloured female in the corporate culture…

​

As the emotion streams opened up, compassion gently filled up in my being: I was just doing my very best in the given circumstances, yet I never appreciated my effort or acknowledged my devotion.

​

I began to see that all those overwhelming emotions were merely a by-product or response from the conflicts between the external conditions and my inner desire to live well. I was afraid of my own feelings because my inner-critic was too loud and strong.

​

And like that, my feelings were not monsters to be kept in the closet anymore but a shining map for my wellbeing.

​